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  • Writer's pictureAlex Ward

Getting Back Out There

You got hurt, and you've taken some time to recover. You didn't even think about dating during this time as it was probably the furthest thing from your mind.

Now you've had some time to lick your wounds and heal, it's time to get back out there and continue the search for your future partner.

But how do we get back out there if we're having some of the following thoughts?

"what if there is no one right for me?"

"what if I get hurt again?"

"I'm not sure if I'm ready"

"Are my standards too high?"

"Am I unloveable?"

"I'm not confident enough to date"

Maybe you have had some of these thoughts before or something similar? All of these thoughts can prevent us from getting back out there and meeting the love of our life!

"What if there is no one right for me?"

There are approximately 8 Billion people on this planet, the idea that not one of them would be right for you is just mathematically not in your favour.

You may feel that no one is right for you and you may have dated a few people that support this thought. But that doesn't mean it's true.

It's just a thought, an idea that we've created to help us explain and make sense of any hurt we've experienced.

Thinking that there is no one for you will make you believe it's true and ultimately close you off from the idea of meeting someone new.

With this belief in mind, when you do eventually get back out there you're more likely to pay attention to evidence to support the idea that no one is right for you.

As you start dating again, remember to stay optimistic and open to getting to know new people. They may not be right for you and that's okay, don't give up! There will be someone who is right for you and when that happens you don't want to be looking for all the reasons why they aren't.

"what if I get hurt again?"

There is no pain worse than heartbreak, this is why we try to avoid it at all costs. Some people avoid heartbreak by not dating anyone. It's simple 'if you don't date, the heart won't break!' But is this the best idea?

After experiencing heartbreak you need to take time to recover and heal. When it's time to get back out there it's hard to forget the trauma we experienced from the last person.

Pain is inevitable in life. After the pain, we heal, and with this, we walk away with a lesson learnt...sometimes what we learn is the wrong lesson.

Imagine seeing fire for the first time. As you pay attention to it you learn it produces heat that can warm you or cook a meal. It provides light in the darkness. It comes in different shapes, sizes and intensities. It is vulnerable to water and strong winds.

One day you learn another lesson about fire. You learn it burns when you touch it. The pain can be fleeting or it can be intense and leave a scar.

Being 'burnt' and experiancing pain wasn't the only lesson. We gained experience and knowledge for ourselves.

With dating, there is always a risk of getting 'burnt' because we can't control others' behaviour or predict their actions. With each person, you date or have a relationship with you learn more about yourself and your needs.

Don't be afraid to open yourself up to new experiences, and use the past ones as lessons, so you know more about what you need, what you like, what you don't like and what you expect from a future partner.

"I'm not sure if I'm ready"

If you're not sure, then you're probably not and that's okay.

Enjoy being single and learn to be happy on your own during this time. It's never a good idea to date because you need someone to fill a role in your life. A partner should be an addition to your life, not a necessity.

Being single is a great opportunity to start doing all the things you've always wanted to try. Think about, what you want to do, where you want to go, what you want to eat, what you want to watch and enjoy it all! Use this time to heal and discover more about yourself.

"Are my standards too high?"

Your standards are for you to decide and not for you or others to question. You have one life - why shouldn't you have high standards for it?

Know what you want and need in a person and know the qualities that you would like someone to have.

No one is perfect so we can't hope for perfection because it doesn't exist. We can look for someone who is perfect for us though!

"Am I unloveable?"

No you're not. If you feel this way then you maybe experiancing some low self-esteem. This is something that can be improved over time. A coach or a therapist can also help you with these negative thoughts. If you would like to discuss this or book a session you can do so from here.

"I'm not confident enough to date"

This is a belief that many people have. Dating can be scary and fill us with anxiety! The more you do it the easier it will get, but if you feel like you need some extra help from a confidence coach, I'd be more than happy to help. Contact me

If you are feeling stressed about dating, visualisation and relaxation techniques can be really helpful to lower symptoms of stress. Try doing this before you go out on your next date.

Getting back out there can be scary and overwhelming. Take your time and do things at the pace you are comfortable with.

Be open to new people and experiances. You have a lot to give and there is someone out there looking to share their love with you. Go and get it!


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